If you ask any of my high school friends, they’ll tell you straight up..I’ve always had a thing for silver foxes. That gray, lustrous peppered hair? Honey yes. Instant attraction.
These days, they call them Zaddys. Where did the term come from? No clue. But let’s be real..it SLAPS.
It’s not some “daddy issues” thing either. I actually have an incredibly loving, emotionally supportive relationship with my dad. So no, this isn’t about replacing father figures.
Maybe its’s something else. Maybe it’s deeper.
I wasn’t planning gonna go there. But I’m gonna go there. It’s still fresh, still tender, and yeah. I’m still a little angry. But that’s part of the process. Also, I’m a Scorpio, so of course I’m obsessed with depth and truth. And honestly? My truth needs air.
Childhood
I think part of the reason I struggle with men my age is rooted in childhood. I was bullied a lot growing up especially by boys. On the playground, it was always brushed off with,
“He’s mean because he has a crush on you.” Like humiliation was somehow a form of love That kind of conditioning runs very deep.
I remember going on vacations with boys my age who would relentlessly torment me.. tying me up and crossing lines. I didn’t have boundaries. I didn’t even know I could. I just wanted to fit in with the boys. So I let them cross the line, hoping the tormenting would stop, or at least lessen.
What I see now as emotional bullying and early sexual violation was, at the time, just something I silently repressed. At 33 years old these memories recently flew out of me, uninvited, but helped me understand a lot of my pain. I’m still unpacking childhood wounds because healing isn’t linear, and the body never forgets. I’m finally listening to that part of me.
Somatics
If you’ve read “The Body Keeps the Score” or know anything about Somatics, you get it. Violations like these don’t just disappear. They imprint. They lodge themselves in the nervous system, in the cells and years later, they can show up as chronic illness, autoimmune flare-ups, even cancer. What we don’t heal, the body carries.
So… is that why I can’t connect with men my age? Maybe those early memories built walls I didn’t even know were there.. shaping how I see men my age through a darker, more guarded lens.
I don’t know for sure. But when I step back and look at the whole picture, it feels like a pretty valid reason
Ok back to Zaddy.
I’m not drawn to looks. I’m drawn to energy. And with silver foxes, it’s an immediate energetic spark, wisdom and presence. Most of the older men I’ve dated are deeply rooted in their careers, confident in who they are, and emotionally available in a way that feels incredibly rare in this social media dazed generation.
And no, I’m not a sugar baby. Never have been. I’ve never dated for money. In fact, one of my relationships with a Zaddy ended in part because I kept insisting on paying my half or treating him to dinner. He came from a generation where that wasn’t the norm. He wanted to provide and I had shame around receiving.
That dynamic forced me to look at my own self-worth. Why did I feel so guilty being treated with care? Now, I don’t. Being loved and respected doesn’t make me weak, it means I value myself enough to allow it in.
Look me in the eyes.
That’s all I want. When you’re with me you’re present and that has been my experience with older men. They’re not glued to their phones or lost in the dopamine spiral of social media. I mean sure they LOVE Facebook, but from my experience they aren’t doom scrolling. They can actually look you in the eye. They speak. They listen. They show up.
Guys my age? There’s often a wall between us like I’m competing with a screen for their attention. Connection has become transactional. What happened to real dating? Now its swipe, scroll, ghost. It’s exhausting. I miss real human connection. I met my men on a chairlift, at a party, on a trip.. No filters, no curated bios. Just energy meeting energy.
Maybe that’s what this all comes down to. I want real. I want presence. I want to feel safe, seen, and respected by someone who isn’t afraid of depth.
And so far? That tends to look a lot like a silver fox.